Here's the Story.
I come home from a stressful day of work and all I could think about was my brother's homemade chili that he brought to my house the previous night. I open my refrigerator full of San Carlos' Farmers Market goods and search for the chili. It wasn't there. Cool. My mom's boyfriend must have taken it to work that day. Anyways, I call up my homeboy brother and ask if I could come over to eat some chili at his and Emily's house. Happily, my bro said yeah. So I drive over to their house and eat his delicious chili. Minutes later, I tagged along with the newlyweds to Babies 'R Us and finally was having a better day. I didn't get back home until 10:30 PM. So, I did what I always do, watch South Park. My best friend Kelly told me to watch this episode about Critters and Christmas. Who knew adorable animals were a part of the antichrist.
Anyways, my mom and sister were gone for the majority of the night because of a wedding they had to go to so I was home alone. I was getting sleepy so I brought my sisters dog upstairs with me. If you guys really know me, you know I don't like sleeping in my bed alone. I hopped into my sister's bed and watched another episode of South Park. This time it was one of their most popular episodes, Fish Sticks. PERFECT, I thought to myself, an episode ragging on Kanye West. I hate Kanye, especially what he did to the coolest singer ever, Tay Tay Swiftdog.
I was getting really tired and Toby, Nicole's dog, was sleeping fur to skin on my left side. I reach in to give the piece of shit a hug and kiss and as I'm going in for the kill, the dog lunged at my face and attacked me. Yup, I got attacked by a little dog. I pushed him off my face as he was mauling my nose and my first reflex was to touch the area he attacked. I look down at the palms of my hands and I couldn't see them because they were filled with my own blood. I hopped out of my sister's bed and ran to the bathroom. A trail of dripping blood followed me on my mother's white carpet. I look into the mirror and my face was covered in blood. "Oh, FUCK" is what I screamed and of course Prima Donna me, cries. I went into panic. My own flesh was drooling out of my nose and making its trail down to my chest and stomach. I leaned over to the sink so I wouldn't make a mess on the floor and the sink was filling up with my blood fast. I was thinking, fucking great, no one is home and I'm losing so much that I'm going to die from loss of blood. My mom is going to find her daughter dead on the bathroom floor with a puddle of blood from under her.
My first instinct, call her. My mom didn't answer. In panic and outbreaks of cries, I decided to call my brother. Didn't answer. Alright, called Emily. As, the phone is slowly ringing, I get a phone call from my brother.
This is how the phone conversation went.
Me- (screaming and crying) Stevie, Toby bit me! I need to go to the hospital!
Stevie- What?
Me- (still screaming and crying) Toby bit me, I need to go to the hospital!
Stevie- I can't hear what you're saying, say it again..
Me- TOBY BIT ME! I NEED TO GO TO THE EMERGENCY!
Stevie- You got stung by a bumble bee?
Me- WHAT?
Stevie- How'd the bumble bee get in the house?
Me- NO!!!!!!!!!!! TOBY BIT ME! I NEED YOU TO DRIVE ME TO THE EMERGENCY!
Stevie- There was a burglary and they stole Toby??
Me- OH MY GOD...
(Stevie passes the phone to Emily)
Emily- Alexandra, what are you saying?
Me- Toby bit me and I need you guys to take me to the hospital, NOW! COME OVER!
Thank God Emily got it the first time.
I get off the phone with them and run into my room with a towel on my nose shielding the blood. The first thing I see, I put on. In no way was I going in just my pajamas. I go to the mirror to see what I looked like before stepping into my brother's car: Platinum blonde extensions, A spray tan that was ruined from the streaks of my blood and tears, and a hot pink Alpha Phi Sorority sweatshirt. Wow, I looked like a college Texan pageant queen who had a football thrown at her nose. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.
I hear the knocks at the door and dramatically opened it. I said, "Let's go." My brother barged in with his paramedic first aid kit, "Want me to put an I.V. in you?"
Real funny, Stevie. He saw the blood oozing out and performed as an on-the-go doctor. He generously stopped the bleeding and put some gauze on it. My mother finally called back. Emily answered it and told her the story. "OH SHIT! Ok, we'll be home soon. Is she going to go to the hospital? Call Sequoia, Peninsula, Stanford, and Mills to see if any of them are busy." My brother calls, Sequoia and Peninsula. Both busy. My brother didn't even try Stanford, knowing that they are number 1 trauma center on the Peninsula.
An hour goes by and my brother, Emily, and mom are all debating whether to take me to the hospital. I'm still bleeding. The tip of my nose is flapping and the bridge, separating my nostrils, is ripped. Nobody made the executive decision until my mother, drunken sister, and mother's boyfriend came home. One good look from my mom and she says, "We gotta go." Drunk Nicole hops up from the couch and runs upstairs to get changed. "In no way am I going to the hospital in this 80's looking bridesmaid dress."
10 minutes later, we're out the door driving to Mills, which is 20 minutes away from home. Nicole's in the backseat hammered as ever telling us how she doesn't believe in God right now because everyone sucks at life. What a drunk ass.
Finally, we're at the hospital and I get in to see a doctor right away. Im sitting on the hospitals bed and the RN is asking me questions.
Guy Nurse-So any religious preferences?
As I'm about to say Catholic, my drunk ass sister chimes in saying, "JEWISH"... Way to make us look completely intolerable, Nicole.
The doctor comes in and starts asking me questions. Real nice young lady. She looked at my nose and told me I'll need 4 stitches. As she's about to inject me with anesthetic, Ms. Nicole says loudly, "Ali, want to hold my hand? Don't worry; you can squeeze it really hard, I'M DRUNK." God dammit, Nicole, not only do they think we discriminate against Jews, but now they're going to think we're Germans.
I squeeze my sister's hand as the doctor is painfully shooting up drugs through my nose to numb it. 9 shots later, she's stitching up the bridge of my nose with dissolvable string. My mother asks, "How come it dissolves?" The doctor replies, "You don't want to know." Later do I come to find out that it's either pig skin or cat skin. Gross.
3AM rolls by and I'm finally home. I look around my house and it looks like a crime scene in my sister's room and bathroom.
Nicole- "I'm going to throw up, EW. On my pillowcase, Alexandra? GOD!"
That's what you get, Nicole for having an abusive dog.
Thank you Toby for an incredible evening. This night is unforgettable.
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