The Adventures of Lauren and Ali

Lauren Angelich: a girl who is by far one of the funniest people I have ever met.

When I was a freshman in high school, My bestie Nicki and I decided to try out for Volleyball. A crazy  girl with a ponytail at the top of her head approached Nicki and said, "Move, before I push you." Nicki was not only scared shitless of her life, but also interested at what this bully had to say next. She invited her to pepper (bump back and forth) with us and since then, Laur's been my best friend. The adventures we had in high school are unforgettable/wish I'd forget them. Almost every weekend, Lauren and I had 10 million stories to talk about Monday at Lunch. From Anne Beyer's crazy mother telling us to get on our hands and knees and scrub the kitchen floor(Lauren ran away from that) to "Put your hands up"(all inside jokes, sorry) we were bascially attached to the hip.  From SLAN(sam, lauren, ali, nicki) to Mercedes Ladies(raven, nicki, lauren, anne, and me), we stuck together. Although, we had had some falling outs, my bad Laur, I still consider her a best friendzy.

So, continuing on our friendship journey, Lauren and I decided to paint the town green. You know what I mean. We decided to be completely romantic with each other and find a "top of the world" scenery to "hang out" at: a community college. Lauren and I sat there for hours talking about high school, present time, and the couple next to us having sex or what Lauren thought "undercover policemen"...Good one Laur.

Lauren-Ali, I think we should leave this place. It's a little sketch.
Ali- Laur, no one will be here. We're at a community college on Thursday night
Lauren- Exactly, it's 10:00PM and we're at a community college. Obviously people are going to think something.
Ali-Oh yeah.

So we left...

...And, we got lost. Or at least we thought. We went from being in a community college to a forest. Not kidding. The road was sketch as hell. But oddly enough, the road led us back to the bottom of the entrance of the junior college. Thank God.

Laur and I drove home and went back to my house. I snuck in some string cheese in the kitchen and ran upstairs(home base for us). We were stringing the cheese stick and reminiscing on
Facebook. Let me tell you, old albums on Facebook are trouble. We went down memory lane on the weekends of high school and the pictures were..... FUCKING HILARIOUS!

Just another weekend in High School for us

and the thing is, we acted and looked like this every weekend.

We were sloppy drunks

Model Behavior

So I really think Lucas should be a model.. He already has rock hard abs and a face that could turn the whole world upside down. What do you think?

 

It's that damn Lucas! He's so hot right now!

"I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is."-Lucas Nicolai

"

Car Accident.. ughhh

WELP, got in a car accident yesterday while belching out, "Hold on" by Wilson Phillips. Cath(my mom) is not too pleased because it was MY fault. First car accident since I got my license. Well, that actually caused damage. The previous one, I rolled my car going 5 MPH thinking this girl is going to turn right when she slammed her breaks. Both cars had no damage to them. But, the betch decided to file a police report since she had whip lash in her neck. Uh, huuuuh? From my own knowledge, I know you don't get whip lash right away. Maybe like a day later? Anyways, The paramedics and cops came and all started laughing at this one broad. She sued my insurance for $10G's because of her medical appointments. What a sloppy whore.

Anyways, I was driving to work yesterday and a long working truck was poking out of the street parked. I tried to swerve around it, but my eyes were not concentrated on the road. I side swiped a parking vehicle. Ugh...... Luckily, the man was generous enough to let me go and not take down any information. Instead, he gave me his card and said I can fix this for you no problem. I guess there are nice people on the Peninsula.

Mom's exact words this morning while looking at my Jeep:
 "From my own experience with cars, we're definitely going to have to replace 3 panels. GOD DAMMIT ALEXANDRA."

Oops.

Welcome Lucas!

Another chapter in my family's life has been turned for the best. My nephew is finally here and is adorable as ever! He is perfect. 10 little toes, 10 little fingers, 2 sparkling eyes, a button nose, and a wee-wee! He was born on July 10, 2011 at 7:14AM weighing 6 lbs 10 oz and is 19 inches long. This little guy couldn't have come any sooner.  When I look at my nephew, I know that his future will be filled with love, laughter, and dreams. He will grow up to be the perfect son any parent would die to have. The love that this child brings will be well earned and will warm every persons heart that will come along in his life. This little baby doesn't even know how much he is loved by so many. He is an incredible miracle, a blessing, an angel. He is my handsome nephew and I couldn't ask for a more perfect one than this little dude.

Emily and Stevie's Timeline
9 1/2 years ago, Stevie asked Emily out at the Giants game.
3 years ago, Stevie asked Emily to marry him at the Giants game
2 years ago, Stevie had his groomsmen cake of the Giants scoreboard
1 year ago, Emily and Stevie got pregnant around the time the Giants won the World Series
July 9, 2011, Emily and Stevie were at the Giants vs. Mets game when Emily had to leave because it was Lucas' time to finally meet the world!

 

.....Yes, what a crazy concept that their relationship has surprisingly revolved around the San Francisco Giants and soon Lucas will become their number one fan.

"Blue Steel"

Another day, Another 4 stitches on my nose.

Already having a bad day on Saturday, I wouldn't have thought my day (night) would get any worse.

Here's the Story.

 I come home from a stressful day of work and all I could think about was my brother's homemade chili that he brought to my house the previous night. I open my refrigerator full of San Carlos' Farmers Market goods and search for the chili. It wasn't there. Cool. My mom's boyfriend must have taken it to work that day. Anyways, I call up my homeboy brother and ask if I could come over to eat some chili at his and Emily's house. Happily, my bro said yeah. So I drive over to their house and eat his delicious chili. Minutes later, I tagged along with the newlyweds to Babies 'R Us and finally was having a better day. I didn't get back home until 10:30 PM. So, I did what I always do, watch South Park. My best friend Kelly told me to watch this episode about Critters and Christmas. Who knew adorable animals were a part of the antichrist.

Anyways, my mom and sister were gone for the majority of the night because of a wedding they had to go to so I was home alone. I was getting sleepy so I brought my sisters dog upstairs with me. If you guys really know me, you know I don't like sleeping in my bed alone. I hopped into my sister's bed and watched another episode of South Park. This time it was one of their most popular episodes, Fish Sticks. PERFECT, I thought to myself, an episode ragging on Kanye West. I hate Kanye, especially what he did to the coolest singer ever, Tay Tay Swiftdog.

 I was getting really tired and Toby, Nicole's dog, was sleeping fur to skin on my left side. I reach in to give the piece of shit a hug and kiss and as I'm going in for the kill, the dog lunged at my face and attacked me. Yup, I got attacked by a little dog. I pushed him off my face as he was mauling my nose and my first reflex was to touch the area he attacked. I look down at the palms of my hands and I couldn't see them because they were filled with my own blood. I hopped out of my sister's bed and ran to the bathroom. A trail of dripping blood followed me on my mother's white carpet. I look into the mirror and my face was covered in blood. "Oh, FUCK" is what I screamed and of course Prima Donna me, cries. I went into panic. My own flesh was drooling out of my nose and making its trail down to my chest and stomach. I leaned over to the sink so I wouldn't make a mess on the floor and the sink was filling up with my blood fast. I was thinking, fucking great, no one is home and I'm losing so much that I'm going to die from loss of blood. My mom is going to find her daughter dead on the bathroom floor with a puddle of blood from under her.

My first instinct, call her. My mom didn't answer. In panic and outbreaks of cries, I decided to call my brother. Didn't answer. Alright, called Emily. As, the phone is slowly ringing, I get a phone call from my brother.

This is how the phone conversation went.

Me- (screaming and crying) Stevie, Toby bit me! I need to go to the hospital!
Stevie- What?
Me- (still screaming and crying) Toby bit me, I need to go to the hospital!
Stevie- I can't hear what you're saying, say it again..
Me- TOBY BIT ME! I NEED TO GO TO THE EMERGENCY!
Stevie- You got stung by a bumble bee?
Me- WHAT?
Stevie- How'd the bumble bee get in the house?
Me- NO!!!!!!!!!!! TOBY BIT ME! I NEED YOU TO DRIVE ME TO THE EMERGENCY!
Stevie- There was a burglary and they stole Toby??
Me- OH MY GOD...
(Stevie passes the phone to Emily)
Emily- Alexandra, what are you saying?
Me- Toby bit me and I need you guys to take me to the hospital, NOW! COME OVER!

Thank God Emily got it the first time.

I get off the phone with them and run into my room with a towel on my nose shielding the blood. The first thing I see, I put on. In no way was I going in just my pajamas. I go to the mirror to see what I looked like before stepping into my brother's car: Platinum blonde extensions, A spray tan that was ruined from the streaks of my blood and tears, and a hot pink Alpha Phi Sorority sweatshirt. Wow, I looked like a college Texan pageant queen who had a football thrown at her nose. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.

I hear the knocks at the door and dramatically opened it. I said, "Let's go." My brother barged in with his paramedic first aid kit, "Want me to put an I.V. in you?"
Real funny, Stevie. He saw the blood oozing out and performed as an on-the-go doctor. He generously stopped the bleeding and put some gauze on it. My mother finally called back. Emily answered it and told her the story. "OH SHIT! Ok, we'll be home soon. Is she going to go to the hospital? Call Sequoia, Peninsula, Stanford, and Mills to see if any of them are busy." My brother calls, Sequoia and Peninsula. Both busy. My brother didn't even try Stanford, knowing that they are number 1 trauma center on the Peninsula.

An hour goes by and my brother, Emily, and mom are all debating whether to take me to the hospital. I'm still bleeding. The tip of my nose is flapping and the bridge, separating my nostrils, is ripped. Nobody made the executive decision until my mother, drunken sister, and mother's boyfriend came home. One good look from my mom and she says, "We gotta go." Drunk Nicole hops up from the couch and runs upstairs to get changed. "In no way am I going to the hospital in this 80's looking bridesmaid dress."

10 minutes later, we're out the door driving to Mills, which is 20 minutes away from home. Nicole's in the backseat hammered as ever telling us how she doesn't believe in God right now because everyone sucks at life. What a drunk ass.
Finally, we're at the hospital and I get in to see a doctor right away. Im sitting on the hospitals bed and the RN is asking me questions.
Guy Nurse-So any religious preferences?
As I'm about to say Catholic, my drunk ass sister chimes in saying, "JEWISH"... Way to make us look completely intolerable, Nicole.

The doctor comes in and starts asking me questions. Real nice young lady. She looked at my nose and told me I'll need 4 stitches. As she's about to inject me with anesthetic, Ms. Nicole says loudly, "Ali, want to hold my hand? Don't worry; you can squeeze it really hard, I'M DRUNK." God dammit, Nicole, not only do they think we discriminate against Jews, but now they're going to think we're Germans.

I squeeze my sister's hand as the doctor is painfully shooting up drugs through my nose to numb it. 9 shots later, she's stitching up the bridge of my nose with dissolvable string. My mother asks, "How come it dissolves?" The doctor replies, "You don't want to know." Later do I come to find out that it's either pig skin or cat skin. Gross.

3AM rolls by and I'm finally home. I look around my house and it looks like a crime scene in my sister's room and bathroom.
Nicole- "I'm going to throw up, EW. On my pillowcase, Alexandra? GOD!"

That's what you get, Nicole for having an abusive dog.

Thank you Toby for an incredible evening. This night is unforgettable.

Another 'Sarah Palin' On My List

The words of Republican, Michele Bachmann:

Climate change is a hoax, and that because carbon dioxide is a “a natural byproduct of nature”, Americans can pollute all they want.

....alright, Lady. Good Luck with Elections...

Back to Cheeks.

This past week, I went back to my college town in Chico thinking it wouldn't be as crazy as it normally gets during the school year. All I wanted was some relaxation by the pool and some company with my best friends who are currently staying there this summer.
Well, I clearly wasn't thinking. Chico is not the town you would want to relax in. All this town gives you is zero recollection and bonding moments with the toilet the next morning.
Some people like to say that my group of girls are the blackouts. I think they're right. My friends and I don't drink for the social part of it, but for the fun of it. I mean, who doesn't drink for the fun of it?
Anyways, I get into Chico around 5PM on Monday and from what I wanted(relaxation), I got it. No mother telling me to clean my room or barking dogs or even a jackhammer waking me up in the wee hours of the morning. It was just perfect. My best friends, Kelly and Allison, came over my house to watch the Bachelorette. In attempts to drink every time Ashley says the name, Bentley, I failed. Homegirl says his name in every sentence and I wasn't trying to get hammered.
The next day, Tuesday, people were all pumped up because it's Rileys Buck Night. Great, I'm not 21 so I'll probably sit this night out, alone.
YAAAA RIGHT
In the words of J-Kwon, "Teen drinking is very bad, yo i got a fake ID though."
Yup, I have one those. I mean, I have to if all my friends are of age to drink.
So the big issue in Chico is that it's really hard to get into Riley's because they are extremely strict with IDs. This doesn't stop me. I've been to this bar when I was 19. I have this in the bag. They won't turn me down.
And they didn't. I felt like I had conquered many underage drinkers fear. I felt like a champ. I was number 1. Until the next morning.
Ya, I bonded with my toilet.
But the shots and cocktails I had at the bar, led me to the Sigma Chi pool. I got thrown in with my dress on, yet I could care less and I watched the frat boys burn shit and almost their house. Those idiots.
Wednesday rolls by, and, well, another night to drink because it's Crazy Horses buck night. My best friend Bre and I were the only troops to march on for another night of killing our bodies in the treacherous grounds of Chico. I promised myself I wouldn't get too hammered. But, who am I kidding? Drinking with Bre? Girl gets hammski all the time!
Yup, I got hammered. 15 shots and cocktails later and I was peeing alongside with my buddy Bre on a sorority grass, yelling "FUCK YOU ADPI!" I can't tell you the things we did after or show you pictures of that night because my mother will probably read this, but what I will tell you is that this is a night to remember. Thank you, Breanna for your $7.00 purchase and our $10.00 buy.